Today represents the first anniversary of my grandma’s death. In many ways it is hard to believe that it has only been a year, and in many ways it is hard to believe that it has been over a year. A lot has happened in twelve months both that I wish I could share with Grandma and things I am glad she doesn’t have to live through.
I remember before I moved to England I prayed that God would spare my loved ones while I was away. I knew Grandma was getting older and was hopeful that she would live until we returned back to the US. Cancer took her in what we thought were our last couple of months in England. There was definitely some bitterness in this and even some frustration and questioning of why it had to be this way.
As I reflect back on her life and her death, I am struck by two things. First, I am very thankful for the relationship I was able to have with her. I really don’t have any regrets. I got to say goodbye when I flew home specifically to see her in January. It was a hard good-bye, but I remember telling her that I had no regrets that she had meant so much to me and that I believed we had really made the most of our time together. She squeezed my hand and nodded her head in what I believe to be agreement.
Second, being far away when a loved one is dying is really hard. I was fortunate, however, to learn a very valuable lesson and one that I hope I will recall if/when I need it in the future. My natural tendency is to want to help in tangible ways – help cook, go visit someone, take them to the hospital etc. Unfortunately, I was not able to help in these ways. These tasks fell primarily to my aunt, dad and mom as well as my siblings there in Missouri. What I was able to do was pray. I learned that prayer is powerful. It was the only thing I could do, which I think was good for me given my natural tendencies of being a ‘take-charge – go, go, go’ type of person. I am afraid that if I was nearer my grandma during this time I wouldn’t have prayed as much and I wouldn’t have learned this lesson. Even though it was very difficult to be far, I am thankful for what I learned about prayer and continue to pray that it was serve me well in the future.
I remember before I moved to England I prayed that God would spare my loved ones while I was away. I knew Grandma was getting older and was hopeful that she would live until we returned back to the US. Cancer took her in what we thought were our last couple of months in England. There was definitely some bitterness in this and even some frustration and questioning of why it had to be this way.
As I reflect back on her life and her death, I am struck by two things. First, I am very thankful for the relationship I was able to have with her. I really don’t have any regrets. I got to say goodbye when I flew home specifically to see her in January. It was a hard good-bye, but I remember telling her that I had no regrets that she had meant so much to me and that I believed we had really made the most of our time together. She squeezed my hand and nodded her head in what I believe to be agreement.
Second, being far away when a loved one is dying is really hard. I was fortunate, however, to learn a very valuable lesson and one that I hope I will recall if/when I need it in the future. My natural tendency is to want to help in tangible ways – help cook, go visit someone, take them to the hospital etc. Unfortunately, I was not able to help in these ways. These tasks fell primarily to my aunt, dad and mom as well as my siblings there in Missouri. What I was able to do was pray. I learned that prayer is powerful. It was the only thing I could do, which I think was good for me given my natural tendencies of being a ‘take-charge – go, go, go’ type of person. I am afraid that if I was nearer my grandma during this time I wouldn’t have prayed as much and I wouldn’t have learned this lesson. Even though it was very difficult to be far, I am thankful for what I learned about prayer and continue to pray that it was serve me well in the future.
1 comment:
I agree that time muddles things--some seem like yesterday and yet seem like they happened long ago. It meant a lot to Grandma that you cared enough to cross "the pond" to be with her near the end and that you called often. Even more, it meant a lot to her that you spent time with her when she was healthy and happy. Keep writing, I love reading your blog.
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